non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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