listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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