Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Are we still banned from the library?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
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