I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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