my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
