You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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