nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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