Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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