true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
