Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
