Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
