I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
