he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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