You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
