I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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