Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
