For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
