She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
