I molested 6 butterflies tonight
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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