3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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