apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
