I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
