I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Enjoy the penises
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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