Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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