I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
operation harelip BJ is a go
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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