I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize