I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
