mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
