You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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