I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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