Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
