at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
