I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
