Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
