so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
