Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
well you can't waste a boner
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Who died my cat blue again?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
