just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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