2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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