True but thats because hes a fetus.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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