I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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