Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
