I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
