did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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