I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You can't motorboat a personality
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
