He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
