I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
