im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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