Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
