What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
