I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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