you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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