Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
two words...techno handjob
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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