I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
