yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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