Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
