I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
