I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
