i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
