On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
being pregnant is like rehab
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
