Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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