I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I think I am morally bankrupt
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
