hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
