birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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