I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
