New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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