Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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