haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
