So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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