Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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