the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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