I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
