I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
