Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
someone owes me an orgasm
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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