im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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