1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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