Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
