Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
