Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
